Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for "beef that has been roasted".

What a week it has been. I spent the past two and a half days under the weather, and for the first time in as long as I can recall. Prior to my weekend filled with fever and such, I watched the following list of movies:

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005)
Bait (2000)
Tango & Cash (1989)
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005)

Now let me explain something I believe I have failed to mention... I have the super expanded cable package deal with all the extra sports and movies that Charter offers. I'm not a big tv show fan, so if there isn't anything interesting on, I generally flip to HBO, Cinemax, Starz, etc. Given that information, you can understand why some of the movies I will list on here in the future may appear more than once. (Or make no sense whatsoever why I would watch it!)

The Hitchhiker's Guide was flippin' whacked out. After it was over, I felt like my brain had just been scrambled with an egg beater and poured out into a tall glass for me to drink. You get sense of that bizarre reference if you've seen this movie. What kind of acid or PCP was the writer on when he came up with this story? Honestly, I'm not sure whether I liked it or hated it.

Lemony Snicket's, on the other hand... I think there was more to like than hate. Once you get used to the style of humor and flow of the story, it becomes easier to watch and enjoy. I expect the next time I see it to be more fun. Jim Carrey is insane, as usual. I remember when this movie was being filmed... other members of the cast said that Jim would never break character, even after they completed a shoot. He is definitely one of a kind.

As for this past weekend, all I can say is DAMN... fever and chills do not mix well with choices in what to watch. I was so miserable from how I felt that once the first movie ended (on whatever cable channnel I was on), I was too weak and unmotivated to reach out from under the warm blanket to grab the remote. All I have to say is... I warned you. Here's what I ended up watching on Saturday and Sunday:

No Way Out (1987)
Popeye (1980)
Out of Sight (1998)
The Manhattan Project (1986)

I think I may have slept through a few others I didn't watch. The only one I can really justify there is Out of Sight. JLo makes a sick boy feel better! Thank God there were like 50 different basketball games on the rest of the time, or who knows what hell I would have ended up putting myself through!!!

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

Had to add another post today. I watched Heartbreak Ridge (1986), and could not resist sharing some of the quotes from this movie. It's been one of my favorite military movies for a long time. There's absolutely nothing better than Clint Eastwood growling smart ass remarks for 2 hours! If you've seen Full Metal Jacket (1987) or Biloxi Blues (1988), I highly recommend Heartbreak Ridge. Who Rah!

Here are some of the best lines Clint had as Gunnery Sergeant Highway:

"With all due respect, sir, you're beginning to bore the hell out of me."

"I've drank more beer, pissed more blood, and banged more quiff than all you numb-nuts put together."

Col. Meyers: What's your assessment of this situation, Gunny?
"It's a cluster fuck, sir. Marines shouldn't be sitting on their sorry asses filling out requisitions for equipment they should already have."

"Be advised, I'm mean, nasty and tired. I eat concertina wire and piss napalm and I could shoot a round through a flea's ass at 300 yards. So why don't you hump somebody else's leg mutt-face before I push yours in."

"This doesn't mean we'll be swappin' spit in the shower."

"Sergeant, get that contraband stogie out of my face before I shove it so far up your ass that you'll have to stick a match up your nose to light it!"

"You're dead marine, you just got your legs blown off and we'll hafta send out a search party for your testicles. Where's your cover? They indicate over to Profile who waves to them What the hell are ya doin' back there? Without any cover fire I'll get my ass shot off! While the rest of you are pumpin' the neighbors dog we'll get every swinging dick in this platoon killed!"

"Why don't I bend you over the table there... send you home with the "I just pumped the neighbor's cat" look on your face."

"And if I was a half as ugly as you, Sergeant Major, I'd be a poster boy for a prophylactic."

They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!

"They cursed us. Murderer they called us. They cursed us. And we wept, Precious, didn't we? We wept to be so alone. And we only lust to catch fish so juicy sweet. And we forgot the taste of bread... the sound of trees... the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name. My Precious."

Let's see... what movies have I watched recently? You should know at least three of them before I give the list below. LOTR rocks baby! Whenever you truly want to escape from reality, LOTR and Star Wars are highly recommended.

Since it's been over a week since my last post, I'm going to just list what I've watched (in no particular order):

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Lucas (1986)
Internal Affairs (1990)
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Twisted (2004)
Troy (2004)
Sky High (2005)
Hook (1991)
Fantastic Four (2005)

Please feel free to comment or e-mail me on any of these. I'm more than willing to discuss different perspectives of movies.

One thing I plan on doing in a future post is a grading scale. I haven't totally decided on whether to just have one overall point system per movie, or to use a few separate categories. It may end up depending on each individual movie. I've found that reviews can sometimes be misleading if you just look at the overall grade. The main thing I look for in a movie is entertainment value, so a high score from critics that is based solely on potential award recognition (or lack thereof) is not always the best way to decide if I'm interesting in watching something or not.

Rock Bottom!

Within the past three to four days, I have watched some good, bad and ugly movies. (No pun intended there) I'm going to start with the bad first. Ever watched a movie, and after 5 minutes in to it, you ask yourself, "Why am I watching this???" Well, I'm an honest person, so I admit to this, even though I'm going to catch hell for it. I watched First Daughter (2004) the other night. It was late, and I couldn't find anything that I hadn't seen before that looked interesting, and I wasn't ready to go to bed. Why did I choose it? I have no clue. It has Katie Holmes and Michael Keaton in it, so maybe thoughts of Beetlejuice... or Tom Cruise dating a girl half his age... I dunno. At the beginning of the movie I thought there was promise... I found out Forest Whitaker directed it. Oh OK, this might be good then... uhhh, no. First off, Michael Keaton as the president???? PLEASE! I kept waiting for him to go stand in front of a mirror and begin mumbling, "I'm Batman." Or better yet, I was sure during a speech he would definitely hock a loogie into his jacket pocket and proclaim he was saving it for later. Seriously though, it wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, not by a long shot, but I'm still shaking my head in disbelief that I watched the whole thing.

The following night, I watched Doom (2005). Now let me explain something first here before I talk about the movie. I am a release day junkie. I check the sale papers on Sunday, and keep track of when movies are coming out that I want to buy. If you get a new release the week it comes out, generally Target or Best Buy will have it for 15 or 16 bucks. But then the next week it's up to 20. Anyway, I thought Doom was really cool. Yeah, another one of those movies critics bash because it lacks depth regarding plot and character development, but like I've said before, WHO CARES? Doom is a mixture of Aliens and Resident Evil. There's a lot of suspense, and you don't really know what or when things are going to happen, and above all... it kept my interest. The sound and special effects were top notch. I've played the Doom video game a few times, and I'm fully aware of the inconsistency between the storyline of the game versus the movie. Hey video game fanatics...NEWSFLASH... movie storylines take prescedence over video game storylines. The same goes for books over movies. (Kind of like with paper, rock, scissors! Nevermind...) Anyway, back to the movie... in the game, the creatures appear because of dimentional gateways to hell opening due to exprerimentation by an aerospace agency. In the movie, there is a different approach by Hollywood. There is a gateway on Earth that teleports a person to Mars. Once Mars was colonized by people that began experimenting with human chromosomes. By adding an additional 24th chromosome, humans either became super-human in all aspects of their senses and strength, or they turned into zombies that eventually developed into huge demonic beasts. So the video game was different. Well whoopa dee doo!!! Go play your game bitches! Overall I would give Doom a 7.5 out of 10. Good popcorn flick if your in the mood for some sci-fi action with a lot of shooting and useless mayhem!

After watching Doom, I went to bed, but wasn't tired. While flipping the channels in the bedroom, I caught the opening credits of a movie... I think on FX or Spike. American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990). Now in no way can you take this kind of movie seriously. Because in truth, it sucks. BAD. But I always loved ninjas and martial arts growing up. Besides, the dialog and acting are so incredibly horrid that it almost becomes enjoyable to watch just to make fun of it.

Last night I watched The Brothers Grimm (2005). This is a tough one to critique. It gives the sense of Harry Potter, with the magic and such, but with much less enchantment. The beginning of the movie was somewhat jumbled, and I felt there needed to be more background on Matt Damon and Heath Ledger's characters. The plot slowly developed, and finally fell into place with roughly 20 minutes left. There was a great deal of humor injected as well, some well-timed and appreciated, but not always necessary. (A kitten was mutilated!) In all, I would only give The Brothers Grimm a 6.5 out or 10. And that may be a little biased since I always appreciate good sound and great effects.

No pain. No fear.

It's Ahhhhhnold! Like I said in the last post, I go through phases. I noticed that The Terminator (1984) was getting ready to come on HBO the other afternoon and I couldn't pass on it. The edited version is on tv all the time. (Disgrace!) And for some reason, I've never bought it, even though I own Part Two and Three. So of course I had to watch Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) after finishing the first one. And I'm sure #3 will find its way into the DVD player sooner than later. Good old sci-fi action movies never get tiresome to me.

Speaking of sci-fi action movies, one of my newest favorites is The Island (2005). I shared it with my parents over the weekend. My dad loved it, but my mom just complained the whole movie. "Oh, that couldn't happen." It's a M-O-V-I-E... enjoy it, don't whine because it may not be realistic. I had this discussion with a friend the other night on the phone. Forget what all the critics say, we go to the movies to escape from reality for a few hours. Whether or not the movie depicts realism or fantasy, it is NOT real. Roger Ebert can sit there in Chicago with a corn cob stuffed up his butt and complain that the plot and character development of a movie is a failure, but that doesn't mean it's not entertaining. Take the movie Van Helsing (2004) for instance... Yes, I agree that the acting, plot, and overall story was lacking substance, but who cares!? The special effects and sound are awesome. Vampires and werewolves are always cool too. So it had no chance to win any awards. Big deal...

Which leads me to the next movie I've seen recently... Million Dollar Baby (2005). This is the type of movie that receives unbelieveable recognition for acting, writing, screenplay, etc. And I didn't like it. Which is generally the case. For me, I want to enjoy a movie, not be utterly depressed because I watched it. It's fine to appreciate the artistic nature of making a film, but entertain me please! The first half of the film was great, almost like a Rocky movie with better acting and a flowing storyline. But once the film took a left turn at Albuquerque, the tragic drama engulfed the remainder of the film. I have great respect for the realism in the story, and the fact that it teaches us that everyone can't always bounce back up and win the championship, but it's not what I want to see when I watch a movie. The world has enough tragedy and somber storylines as it is right now without help from Hollywood. I'll flip on CNN or Fox News if I want to get depressed.

Every ACTION has a reaction.

Lately it has been action central here... I go through phases in both music and movies, depending on what mood I'm in. Within the past two days, I've seen a lot of action... and lived to tell about it!

Here's what I've watched during the past 48 hours (in no particular order):

The Bourne Identity (2002)
The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
Eraser (1996)
The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003)
The Legend of Zorro (2005)

And that's just recently... in the past week I'm sure I've watched around 20 or so. Since January through March is the major portion of the college basketball season, I haven't seen as many new movies as I normally would. I don't go to the theater as much as I used to a few years ago. There are a couple of reasons for this. (Maybe you agree...) 1. Cost. Why am I going to pay upwards of ten bucks to sit in an overly-crowded, kid-whining, cell phone ringing, igloo/furnace (depending on how stupid the manager is with the thermostat), where they think that bottled water is traded on the commodities market (ie. $4.00 for a 20 oz Dasani). 2. I can sit on my couch with my feet propped up (ahem!), stare at my huge ass tv, and listen to my DTS Dolby Surround that is better than the theater anyway? (Yes, I love Denis Leary)

Favorite Denis quote: "From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation." (Name that movie)

And last but not least, 3. I can make loud bodily noises, scratch myself, and the most important... pause the movie; instead of causing severe damage to my kidneys when I refuse to miss anything I just spent ten bucks on!

As for the movies I listed above, the only one I really want to comment on right now is The Legend of Zorro. On my scale of 1-10, this being an overall scale, I would give it somewhere between a 5 and a 6. (The Bourne Identity and Supremacy are both in the 8 to 9 range for me) Whoever mixed the sound for Zorro must have been half deaf. I lost count of the number of times the sound faded in and out, especially during intense actions sequences. For most of you DVD enthusiasts out there, you understand what I mean when I say that most of the time, the action sequences are SO loud you have to adjust the volume to keep your neighbors from calling the police. Besides the less than adequate sound, (which is very important to me), there were a number of useless jokes the writers added to try and compete with the humor from the first Banderas picture, The Mask of Zorro (1998). (Which was MUCH better, I might add) Overall, I recommend you rent The Legend of Zorro, but save your money when you visit Best Buy or Wal-Mart.

My Yahoo Profile

Personality: Leader

Getting all you can out of life

* You're a strong and energized Leader who's driven to make an impact on the world.
* People describe you as courageous and a "force to be reckoned with." (That's right, MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THA WAY!) Indeed, with your passion, persistence, and versatility, you can do almost anything. You can start a company, run a household, or wage a war (and all at one time if necessary!).
* Like all true Leaders, you're not afraid to take risks. You thrive on intensity and excitement and gravitate toward other strong-willed people. Your friends, family, and co-workers always look to you to lead the way.
* You're willing to make unpopular decisions and to go against everyone's advice if you believe it's the right thing to do. (The story of my life, I never follwed the crowd) You're tough skinned and don't have to please everyone. In the end, you'd rather be respected than liked.
* Still, most people appreciate your honesty and directness. They always know where they stand with you. Indeed, you're a loyal friend and would do anything to protect the ones you love. (Aww, shucks... thanks Yahoo... now drop and give me 20!)

Love Style: Romantic (Look Jim, you weren't the only guy on your hall lookin' for love and not ass! Damn were we stupid! j/k)

I'll save everyone the trouble of reading the same thing that Yahoo said about Romantics here... just know that we are a rare breed.

He Just 'Beat It'

I know a lot of people in this country are cheering and running through the streets with glee over the verdict of not guilty for the King of Pop. I can't get over how blind so many Americans are when it comes to celebrities. Yes people, they are capable of mistakes and crimes. You should have put me on that jury. No way in hell that sick bastard is gettin' off (no pun intended there...). What parent, no matter how much money you are offered, would let a child sleep with a 46 year old man? And here is what Michael's lawyer said when questioned about continuing his prior habits of "sleeping" with little boys:

Michael Jackson's lawyer said Tuesday that the pop star is going to be more careful from now on and not let children into his bed anymore because "it makes him vulnerable to false charges." FALSE CHARGES? Damn, I don't know about you, but I don't go around doing things where someone may accuse me of a crime. Hey Mikey, ever heard the phrase "Where there's smoke, there's fire?"

Then there's this opinion given to the press:

At least three of the jurors in Jackson's case said that they suspect the 46-year-old pop star has molested boys, but not necessarily the one who accused him in court.

Then why would you not think so in this case? If he slept in the same bed with the boy, and you think he's molested other boys in the past... Uhh, Dick Tracy, where did you park your squad car? Guilty? You bet. Hung Jury? Would have at least made a little more sense. But innocent? NO WAY. Sorry to all those who may object, but it's time Michael stopped singin' it and started looking at the Man in the Mirror.

In Your Honor

New Foo Fighters comes out tomorrow! Yes, ROCK ON BRUTHA!!! Finally something new to listen to...

...then you make a left turn at Albuquerque

Yeah, yeah, stop complaining, I'm writing a post... happy?

So with my job, I get to travel all over the western half of North Carolina attempting to locate new business. During my recent travel I have discovered that my home of Hickory is not the only place in this state where Forrest Gump designed the mapping of the city and county roads. Just the other day I was out of town trying to find an address in which I was unsuccessful and decided to give up looking. Common sense would tell most people that when the address is located at 5968 'whatever street', once you get to the 5000's, you're not too far. Well, it's kind of hard to find a friggin' address when the numbers jump like a damn grasshopper from 5000 to 4000, then back to 5000, and then amazingly enough, somehow down to 3000! And then of course there's always that jackass that's behind you when you're trying to find an address. I know you need to get up to 88mph to get back to the future asshole, but I'm busy here...

Examples of some places with messed up streets and addresses in North Carolina include Stony Point and Catawba. That's right, for all of you reading this that have never been to NC, this is what we call BFE. These little places, and I mean smaller than Mayberry... usually have two to three stoplights, if not only one. What makes them fun, (and I mean the word "fun" in a sarcastic way), is how a street like 1st Avenue South East can start on the East side of town and somehow magically appear again out of nowhere on the North West side of town. Like Scooby Doo would say... Huuuuh? But what can you expect when the idiot who probably first paved the streets was named Bubba and only had three teeth? "Ahh, we don need no stinkin' street names, we's always jus use bushes and rocks to find our way home." That's nice Bubba, but the same rock isn't going to re-appear 5 miles across town. So you big city people, the next time you're sitting in traffic cursing the taxi that almost drove over your bumper while changing lanes without signaling, remember this... at least you have streets that lead somewhere!

You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean...

I'm wondering something... how can a TV repair guy smell like he's been working all day, when it's 10:00am??? Seriously, there are two guys here right now to repair my television and one of them reeks like phys-ed. Son of a... why did I just think of that? Sorry, I watch a lot of Seinfeld re-runs and I was recalling the epsiode where Jerry's BMW gets possessed by the valet's B.O. Noooooooo!!!!!! It's alive! I sware, if that freakin' smell gets trapped in my house and I have to move, someone's going to learn first hand about my love for Highlander!

As for the TV, I first noticed the bad picture quality back in late December. Of course it's the end of February now. After ten phone calls to Samsung's customer service, and at least ten to the company they outsourced the work to, here I am listening to the ramblings of Cletus and Earl. "Hey Cletus, what's this here blue wire fur?" And of course they try and explain what they're doing to each other so I won't be concerned. Like that's going to help... just fix it and get out before the wallpaper starts to curl from the rank odor you're emitting!

And another thing, when you're 300+ pounds, does it help to lie down when you work? I'm watching one of the guys down the hall, laying on the floor while he stares in the back of the TV? Of course the main thought I'm having is if I'm going to have to go out there and help him get up!

Grab your nuts and run...

As I mentioned before, my parents have a dog. Her name is Lucee. My brother-in-law believes the dog is retarded. (This is due to his lack of getting to know her) She jumps up at you when you first come inside. This is excitement to see you, no matter who you are, not a lack of intelligence. In fact she is amazing. I think she must be part squirrel. The speed and agility she has is unmatched by any dog I've ever seen. Now take in mind she is a Minature Schnauzer. I wouldn't be as impressed if she were a Jack Russell or something.

I frequently visit my parents, but now playing with the dog has become more of a ritual than just something I do while I visit. In fact, my mother tells me that Lucee is visibly upset on days when I haven't come by. She sits and waits at the top of the steps for me. And my mother is somewhat relieved on nights I haven't been there. The reason for this once you start playing with Lucee, she will not stop until you do. We first noticed the endless energy she has when she was only a few months old. (She's about 10 months now) My parents fenced in the back yard a few years ago, so there is about half an acre of running space. In the back yard, I first discovered that no matter how many times you throw a tennis ball, Lucee will get it and bring it back. FULL SPEED. And I mean fast. Carl Lewis would look more like Jerry Lewis if he ran against her in the 100.

Not long after discovering the tennis ball, we realized she could field a baseball. My brother-in-law was hitting some practice balls to my nephews one Saturday afternoon when I stopped by. Lucee was also outside. It was unreal. Every single ball he hit, she would get it before the boys could... and then bring it back! It was crazy. I immediately started thinking, 'Let's call Letterman!' Around the same weekend, my parents called me at home and told me to come over again, I had to see something new. Apparently, a ball from the little boys next door had accidentally made its way in the back yard. It was one of those cheap grocery store kick balls. Well... Lucee was trying to put it in her mouth like the tennis ball. And it drove her insane that it was too big. Right before our eyes we watched as she discovered that if she pushed it with her nose, she could manuver it around. And trust me, she does it well... and at FULL SPEED. Try and get it from her... forgetaboutit.

Finally, just this past week, we realized that she had been chasing birds and squirrels when she was alone in the yard. My dad was grilling some steaks for us and called me out to watch her. A squirrel was taunting her from the branches of an oak tree. It was histarical. You could almost see the squirrel looking down as if to say, "Hey dumbass, come and get me!" It was jumping from tree to tree while Lucee charged underneath her yelping and howling. At the base of each tree Lucee would attempt to climb the tree. (She can't figure out why she can't!) This went on for 15 minutes or so. The squirrel finally got too brave though. It decided to test her. It jumped to the ground and ran about 50 yards to another tree. I don't think it expected to have a dog behind it stride for stride. (And of course Lucee tried to climb the tree with it when it got there) My dad and I were in stitches. And we kick ourselves now for not getting the video camera. D'oh!

So what I have finally concluded is we need to get on Letterman's stupid pet tricks and let a squirrel loose in the studio with Lucee while Paul plays that circus-type background music to add to the moment. I could only imagine the look on Dave's face during this.

Why the Zebras should be freed from the zoo...

In case you are not aware... officiating in sports has declined along with the overall fundamentals in general. I help a good friend of mine by assistant coaching his school basketball team. I have enjoyed this the past few months, and have always wanted to, but lacked the free time to do so in the past. (Not that I have any now... YEAH right) Being in between jobs, I have an unbelievable amount of extra energy that keeps me awake late into the night. Helping coach with my friend has allowed me to focus some that energy to something useful.

OK, enough with the background info... we had a game this afternoon against a team we defeated a month ago. We didn't expect to walk over them, but did expect to win since we were playing at home. Well, we didn't win. And once again, after numerous other occassions this season, I find myself wondering if we could have won if the referees hadn't taken the game out of our hands. Now please take in mind this is middle school athletics, not the NBA or NCAA tourney. My new term this year is hackadocious. This can be used to describe a number of ways one can be fouled in a basketball game. It's great to say instead of slap, push, shove, trip, smack, scratch (oh yeah, it's girls I'm referring to here!), head-butt, hip-check, clothesline, spear, back-body drop, and my all time favorite... the power bomb. Exaggerating a bit you say? Ah hem, I wish. I never dreamed we would have to keep two separate coolers of ice handy for games. One for drinking water, and the other for the injuries. And... let's not forget the lack of walking calls. Geez! Hello... does anyone but me know what a pivot foot is? I could go on forever about this...

OK, enough b-ball for now. I just enjoy complaining in general! lol But since I have a general lack of substance in my daily routine, I find myself either coaching or watching b-ball. I expect to have more topics to dicuss that involve describing the idiocy of life as well as why my parents have a dog that is part squirrel. But until then... WHADAYA MEAN NO FOUL? SHE DREW BLOOD THAT TIME, RIGHT?!